Relationships are difficult, by nature, since there are two variables, either of which might be changing erratically. In programming there is the concept of coupling, the connection between two types. (A type is a template for the behavior and data of an object.)

In programming the coupling between types is not “equal”. Often one type has greater functionality, is more heavily used, or has more effect. By this nature, it is often the case that one type is more reliant on the other type, the latter of which may know nothing about the former.

This is good in programming – one aspect of good design is that types should be as independent as possible, both in design (architecture) and in execution (run time), so that they are much more variable than constants.

However, in human relationships this can be dysfunctional. A human has a relationship with another in order to benefit, preferably mutually. In a relationship between X and Y, X improves Y, and Y improves X, and X is benefitted by knowing that it is improving Y as well as deriving benefit from it, and so on, with the layers deepening in a bi-directional and ethical relationship.

That is the crux here: it is ideal that a relationship is mutually beneficial, thus symmetrical.

If Y does not benefit from X, then it’s a one-sided relationship, and shallow. Sometimes to offset the shallowness X can intensify its “passion” in the relationship, but that just makes the flame hotter and leads toward burnout.

Thus a simple metric: is the connection from X to Y the same as from Y to X? That is, if X “loves” Y, does Y love X? An even more basic question: can Y love X?

If not, then the relationship will be asymmetrical, unequal, and ultimately the variability (choice, freedom, power) will be lost by X and taken by Y. X can then be both resentful of and dependent on Y, whereas Y has no such ethical issue.

So that is the fundamental question: assuming that X “loves” Y, does Y “love” X?

Some examples:

  • Fred loves pizza. Does pizza love Fred?
  • Beatrice loves actor Leocaprio de’Nardo. Does Leocaprio de’Nardo love Beatrice?
  • Marque loves Chris. Does Chris love Marque?

Only in the third example can Y love X, and in the first two there are clearly asymeticral relationships, where Fred and Beatrice are not going to receive in return the emotions that they have toward the other object/person.

This is dysfunctional by nature, and should be avoided.

Go find someone/something that can and will love you back.

Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are. – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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